I don’t remember when it was, perhaps around ten years ago or so and it was started as a sketch, words sketch to be precise. But it turned out to be clearer and clearer along the way. Suddenly I wrote hundred something pages of a novel and I fell in love with a character that now I think it’s the male version of me.
This realization came when I was sitting there alone during my meditation session. Don’t think that I like to spend my time alone, drifting in some outer reality world. Instead, I was sitting in the crowd, watching them passing by and suddenly it just hit me–the notion that hey, he’s sooo me.
Lately, I’ve been feeling so restless, anxious to be exact and I hate it. I hate the feeling that I’m loosing control over my life. As a control freak, I want to make sure everything is according to my plan and “surprise” is not the operative word here. I know anxiety basically stems from the fear that something bad is going to happen in the future although the clear picture of the future itself hasn’t been very obvious either. Although I know it’s not healthy, I’m trying to be kind to myself that it’s okay to feel that way. It’s okay to be anxious about your academic future, especially during the writing process of my thesis which going to happen next year.
OMG! It’s going to be next year and I’m starting to worry now? Just like my character in my novel, he’s been planning he should be in a certain position within a certain time. Certainty makes our nerves calmer or else he’d start to check and check his files for hundreds of time to make sure he won’t miss a thing while I’d be making a mental list to make sure everything is in order. Order! What a Virgoan word indeed .
As the clock is ticking, I’ve been having this anxiety attack (if that concept does exist) from time to time and it’s more often lately. It’s in form of stomach ache–figuratively. If my character tend to lose his appetite and vomit, I tend to have a restless mind and a churning tummy and as an extrovert, I simply need to talk to someone–an ally who sees things in a more optimistic point of view and inspire me to think outside of the box and searching for any possibilities in a non-orthodox way. How I miss that kind of ally!
Since last year, I’ve appointed someone (unilaterally of course) as my therapist, euphemism for a loved ones whom I trust to talk about some personal things. Unfortunately, I get addicted to him and sadly I have to put him into my number one abstinence list. Personally, I feel sorry for him patiently listening to this rubbish and calmly making me at ease, but I’m a people person. I need to be around people I consider close and talk with them. But I think I should have known that if I can’t talk something that matters to me, they can’t be someone who matter most.
As I’m writing this, I have broken my abstinence once again. I’ve been trying though to understand myself why I should keep talking something personal with my therapist if he doesn’t enjoy himself in return. But quietly I pray for him (and for myself) that eventually I’d find my way to stop my addiction. Hopefully soon…