Let Me Find My Intellectual Comfort

It was a lazy Saturday morning. I wasn’t thinking, but open to any offer. And there it was, I saw it. Plain and simple. And then I feel a deep urge to take an action. True calling, you may call it. This could be the second round to answer the next big question I have had in my mind. The detective side of me said, you have to go there and solve the mystery. Today, I have completed the first act from the series of probably a two-years interesting quest.

…but a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Since I was a little girl, I always knew that I was different. Not that I’m better than anyone else. I just feel…different. It seems that the things that matter to me are something that doesn’t make sense to most people and what is important to them (say, “white picket fences” if it rings a bell to you) is often simply boring and banal to me. And most of all, I like to ask questions about things that are taken by granted by most “normal” people. This could be annoying to them. Or even provocative. And like a chameleon, I wanted desperately to blend in and kept asking miserably, why can’t I be like them. Didn’t feel comfortable with my own skin, then I spent myself alone talking to the universe.

It took me like 30 years to finally make peace with myself and accept that I’m somehow just different. But a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. The year was 1997 when the whole journey began. I was doing my undergraduate program and interested with one of three types of human relation: Conflict.

If some people gaze to the stars and ponder about the beginning of the time, I like to lost in deep thoughts and inward search, hoping that I can touch the core of the depth of the mystery of the humanity. Something that arouse my curiosity is why people have to fight against each other and hurt themselves at the same time. Is everything never enough for anyone? If that so, why everything should be scarce?

The demon was just playing the trick, luring me deceitfully to believe in false hope that life could be so conventional

Something that at first was intended to quench my intellectual curiosity (and using International Relations as my tool) turned out to be more than that. It was then also my spiritual curiosity as well. “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear” was proved to be true. The journey to answer those questions made me have some surprising encounters. Some in form of kind-hearted people. Some in form of random clues as if someone (or something) cleverly put them scatteringly and trick me to find out more and in the end ignite the bloodhound instinct in me.

When finally the answers came and brought the closure, I thought my life would be peaceful as proven by my last five years wallowing in the mundane life and allowing me to be ordinary again. But the demon was just playing the trick, luring me deceitfully to believe in false hope that life could be so conventional.

And it all lead to that lazy Saturday morning. I haven’t been asking those questions again, but a good never-ending story will just prompt you to read some more (that’s why “…and they lived happily ever after” is a boring ending). The old flame came to spark again. The anticipation, butterflies in the stomach and some inner voices that this could be the next chapter. And if this is just the way it is, let my restless mind find its intellectual comfort for just one more time.

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