Me is My Biggest Enemy

One thing I love being a woman is I can “use” my girlfriends as my therapist, observer, commentator and supporter alike. Some of them know me very well that they remember my story from the episode one, so when I get back to them, it’s more like updating each other and adding to the number of episode we share.

What I admire from them most is they can bear with my “dramatic” side, talking as if the world is at stake because I’m-going-crazy-if-I-can’t-talk-with-you kinda thing (I love it when it’s intense) and they’re the one who have their feet on the ground and the brain firmly on their place. Not that I don’t have my alter ego who keeps telling me what to do in the most logical and cold way. But I like it when we understand each other. This is what sharing is all about and it’s only understood by us, women.

But even though you have a wagon full of supporters, you still have to face your own battle and for my case this is a battle within.

There are some times when you decide to stop your addiction. It might not be something that harmful, but this small little thing is vital for your health–emotionally and mentally. And the thing is I’m smart, so I have to outsmart myself when i’m deceitfully playing trick on me.

I’m indeed my biggest enemy.

And even the sober me wants to set myself free and my higher self constantly warn me for the consequence that I should take if I’m still addicted to it, the compliance is not always as easy as I plan. And even to my therapists, I’m the one who know myself better than anyone else on deciding what I really should do.

It happened one week before my birthday and it’s all started with a realization  that this is not working, that I can’t continue living like this, that I deserve something (or someone) better, that if I can’t tell you what matter most to me then you can’t be the one that matters most and the internal alarm (either was gone off by my higher self or my alter ego) warned me that this is it. Time to pack your bag and move on, but the other side of me still dragging my feet. I’ve never felt so torn apart.

But again, maybe I’m just being dramatic. When I finally tricked myself out (I always know I can defeat myself ) by leaving my gadget out of my reach so my fingers won’t get itchy to do something stupid, I thought to myself, hey this is easy!

As to the answer that I’ve been looking for, one of my therapist said, you already know it from the start. Now it’s time to gather your courage to put your intention into action. And this is the time.

Now, when I looked back to the series of events that happened this past couple of weeks, I can only take a deep breath and feel so grateful. This morning, when I was drown in my thoughts, my higher self said to me gently, “One day you will come to me to say thank you for the things I have done to you today.” He’s never been so right.

*written as listening to Gwyneth Paltrow‘s Just My Imagination.

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Cul-de-sac « May's diary of miracles

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